Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
