Just fell off a train. Bad.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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