Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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