oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
