while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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