I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
