JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
