fuck your aforementioned shoe
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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