a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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