The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
