I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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