You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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