I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
This is the high leading the old right now
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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