if you like me you must not know who I am
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
