I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
