An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
