I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize