are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
of course. lets lasso hookers.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
