I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
