You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
