so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
