Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize