Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
