Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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