Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
