So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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