I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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