Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
