Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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