So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
