If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
should my penis look like a turkey
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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