As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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