I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize