remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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