i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
