dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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