come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
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