i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize