I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
