I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
