I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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