Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
