u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
