you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
