watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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