I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
