Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
