I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Barsexuality is the new black.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
