kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
