apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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