I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize