his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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