At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
