So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
