Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
