It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
