I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
