There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
