We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
