I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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