is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
