I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
