My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
