Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
