I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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