I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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