I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
